Sex and Intimacy

Radiohead’s Jigsaw Falling Into Place

I accidentally ended up at a nightclub on Saturday.  It was originally described as an “after-party”, but ended up as a group of people meeting at a club after the Terminal City Rollergirls roller derby match (which was awesome).  I have always disliked nightclubs, but it is not until now that I have been able to express why with clarity.

We all crave intimacy.  I am not talking about sex–or even love–but real intimacy.  We can have love for strangers.  We can have sex with strangers.  We can not have intimacy with someone until we remove the barriers that we put up around ourselves.  The best definition of loneliness is not a life without people, it is a life without intimacy.

The physical is far less “real” than thought or emotion, so physical intimacy, which is often the default definition, can never exist independent of our mental state.  Sex without this connection of truth, trust, and total transparency is just masturbation with someone else’s body used as porn and prop.

The word intimacy expresses quiet, personal, private, detailed and thorough.  It is the union of two or more people in thought and emotion.  The club scene is the polar opposite of an intimate environment or experience.  It is loud, impersonal, public, superficial, and fleeting.

Nightclubs are one of the worst ways to fulfill our desire for intimacy.  The conversation over drinks is never about any of us–it is always about “them”, the past, the future, or the false.  Alcohol is an escape from reality–from truth–from intimacy.  The music only drowns out the voices within us that remind us that tomorrow will be just as empty.

Am I different?  No.  I admit that I often act as though I would rather lose someone than live with the fear of losing them, or that I would rather reject all than be rejected by any.  In my defence, I rarely meet anyone who can see the world through similar eyes.  To quote from Revolutionary Road, “It takes courage to see the hopelessness.” (See this post)

I would like to say that I have made an effort to be intimately involved, but lately I have been thinking that I do the opposite.  I have been on dates, friends have tried to set me up, I occasionally meet women that have an interest in me.  But it has been a year and some months since I have experienced any connection with someone that I could describe as truly intimate, as decribed above.

Most judge my openness as weakness or strangeness and I cannot believe that such a person that judges only the material–the money and the muscles–is an emotional equal, and so I have shuttered my eyes and soul from all.  This blog is now as close as anyone gets.

How can a society without intimacy survive?  How can we make decisions about what is best for the future of the world if we cannot understand our loved ones today?  Will we realize our unbreakable intimate connection with the everything around us before it is to late?

I also “missed” what could be described as a huge sex party the same night.  I wonder if anyone would show up if I hosted an intimacy party…?


2 responses to “Sex and Intimacy

  1. You, sir, are one insightful son of a bitch.

  2. Love reading ur posts =) u are a talented and perceptive writer.

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