Husband Resume

As you can probably guess from my latest round of posts, I am currently preoccupied with the concept of dating and relationships.  It’s a total mind-fuck. I often wonder, have I gone nuts? or just grown a pair?

I have noticed a trend amongst the “almost thirty” crowd.  Almost thirty? When you are 25–you are in your twenties.  When you turn 28–you are in your twenties.  When you turn 29–you are “almost thirty” and there is a huge difference, especially if you are ”still” single.

This all has the effect of turning a date into a job interview where the woman is the interviewer and the man is the perspective employee.  And just like it sounds, there is nothing romantic about it.  How can I be romantic when they keep asking me about my job or something to do with money?  The next time I want to date someone I will schedule an appontment between my date and my accountant so the two of them can get to know each other.

And why is the woman always the interviewer?  Shouldn’t us guys have a long list of questions for our possible future wives?  Of course, but I have noticed that most women think that all they need to get the job is a vagina.  (Sorry, but someone had to say it)

Our culture teaches us that the value of women is that of a full time hooker, while men are reduced by society to the value of their paycheck.  Of course this is a poor way to choose a partner, but old habits die hard, and corporations have a vested interest in keeping us feeling unfulfilled so we will attempt to fill the void with their latest shit they made in a Singapore sweat shop.  Once I buy a ________ then I’ll be happy…  sure…

The pressure on men is understated.  In our image obsessed culture, we have to be beautiful too.  And besides a penis, we need a job that makes us rich, so we can afford a nice car (or three) and a huge house that our parents would have bought for 1/20th of the price.  But of course the job can’t involve too many hours, since that would entitle the woman to cheat.  We need an education–but no student debt.  And we need to be macho–super macho–a total jerk in fact… that listens well and is good with children…  yeah…

Do you women (or men) know of anyone like this?  I do–they are called “drug dealers” except they don’t listen, and have a tendency to go away for years at a time and come back with some weird fetishes.  And you might want to keep them away from the children, since soon they will become customers.

So let’s cut the bullshit and embrace the ridiculous notions of our culture.  Here is my Resume for employment as a Husband.  Enjoy!

Resume of Dan Mick

Purpose:

To find full time employment as a Husband to a Philosopher Princess

Previous Experience:

1996-1999  J.D.  Industries – Boyfriend
Duties included snuggling, movie watching, minimal emotional support, sex.

1999-2006  B.T. Financial  – Boyfriend/Common Law Husband/Fiance
Duties included cooking, cleaning, constant encouragement and support, deciphering passive-aggressive behavior.

2006-2007 – Odd jobs (mostly used for sex)

2007-2008 K.S. School of Repeating Patterns – Man-candy/Boyfriend
Duties included day long sex marathons, cuddling, spooning, feasting on Sushi, repeating

2009 – Odd jobs (more sex)

Skills:

Listening, cuddling, intimacy, physical protection, poetry, oral sex ;-P

Education:

1980-2009 – Life

Assets:

1987 Nissan Sentra (worthless), household items, wicked awesome stereo
Financial net worth: nothing
Real net worth: infinite
Housing: renter

Job:

Security Guard

Wage: $23 an hour (average), $40,000-$50,000 per year
Hours: On call including weekends and nights, 0-70 hours a week
Future advancement: limited

Physical Specifications:

Height: 6’1”
Weight: 200 lbs. athletic/muscular build
Shoe size: 11
Waist: 33”
Chest: 43”
Arms: 15”
Penis:  Demo available O.A.C.

References:

Available upon request

Maybe if women know this superficial information first, we can spend a date getting to know each other and the things that actually matter when it comes to sustaining a loving relationship–the kind of things that can’t be put on a resume.

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One response to “Husband Resume

  1. LMAO.. that was hilarious!!

    Excellent post.

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