I have been doing a lot of thinking. I have also been experimenting by pushing people’s buttons. I have had some ideas to explore–contradictory ideas that both seem plausible. My initial conclusions have been pretty tough to wrap my head around.
I have always believed in love. It is such a comforting idea, but many see love as a debt to collect, “If you loved me… you would give me _______.”
I have believed in soul-mates. I found a few that I even thought were my soul-mates, only to watch them float away. On my birthday a few years ago, I found out that a girl I loved with all my heart–loved me with only half of hers… for six years. I told her that I could never love again. I didn’t know how true it was at the time.
More than anything, it is the things we place between us and love that give us away: Money, sex, fleeting desires, ego, materialism. How can we claim to want love?
My experiences conclusively point to a universe that exists independently of the naive notions of love. It is the dream of a defenseless child to be loved unconditionally.
Relationships are deals. If love was real, marriage wouldn’t be a contract. Two (or more) people agree to uphold a bargain that cheapens their living and entertainment costs and gives them certain perks. It is a transaction: genes for dollars, sex for dinner. A quality relationship is one where each gets what they want from the other–that’s not love.
Adjusting to this new paradigm will be difficult. I feel like I just lost every love I ever had or would have ever had. It’s a bit of a mind-fuck. I feel free, unchained–yet stripped and empty.
Love is still an action that we can perform at will, but the foundations for relationships are elsewhere. Let’s make a deal… (vomit)