Good-bye Love

I have been doing a lot of thinking.  I have also been experimenting by pushing people’s buttons.  I have had some ideas to explore–contradictory ideas that both seem plausible.  My initial conclusions have been pretty tough to wrap my head around.

I have always believed in love.  It is such a comforting idea, but many see love as a debt to collect, “If you loved me… you would give me _______.”

I have believed in soul-mates.  I found a few that I even thought were my soul-mates, only to watch them float away.  On my birthday a few years ago, I found out that a girl I loved with all my heart–loved me with only half of hers… for six years.  I told her that I could never love again.  I didn’t know how true it was at the time.

More than anything, it is the things we place between us and love that give us away: Money, sex, fleeting desires, ego, materialism.  How can we claim to want love?

My experiences conclusively point to a universe that exists independently of the naive notions of love.  It is the dream of a defenseless child to be loved unconditionally.

Relationships are deals.  If love was real, marriage wouldn’t be a contract.  Two (or more) people agree to uphold a bargain that cheapens their living and entertainment costs and gives them certain perks.  It is a transaction: genes for dollars, sex for dinner.  A quality relationship is one where each gets what they want from the other–that’s not love.

Adjusting to this new paradigm will be difficult.  I feel like I just lost every love I ever had or would have ever had.  It’s a bit of a mind-fuck.  I feel free, unchained–yet stripped and empty.

Love is still an action that we can perform at will, but the foundations for relationships are elsewhere.  Let’s make a deal… (vomit)


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